So I started this blog a long while back. Honestly, a whole lot has happened since then.
But I am going to restart it.
What's been going on with us? Well we moved, had a baby, lost some loved ones, switched up schooling for some of the kids, Went through an ebb and flow of depression and low moments. Got pregnant again and said goodbye to our baby boy at 21 weeks. That was 3 weeks ago today.
Loss has a way of seperating true priorities from the rabble. There are so many things that easily take importance in our lives. They don't do it overnight. Most things just slowly rise up that list and before we realize it it's become a focal point. Losing our River seems to have torn apart my priority list. These days my goals are simple: survive and don't damage my kids in the process. That sounds terrible doesn't it? But that is exactly what I am doing. But even those two things have fallen down a notch. Glorifying God, honoring Him with my words and thoughts and feelings? That wasn't even in the top 5. That makes me ashamed. But it wasn't. Mothering, being a decent (I didn't even hope for great) wife, being a good friend, Being someone people counted on and trusted and being liked. Those were all there. Really high up there honestly. and they shouldn't have been.
But when you receive news that makes you lose feeling and become numb, and your Savior reaches in and pulls you out, you listen. I've had moments like this before. The first time was my brother. That numbness wasn't a time of deliverance and belief. It was a time of loss. Loss of my family, my brother, a way of life I had been attached too. I grew, but not as fast or as strong as I could have. The second loss was the first part of our marriage. The naive "he will never leave me" part. I was so comfortable in my life and how things were that I didn't work. I didn't put the effort in that was required and I had the wrong motives. again. But this time, God reached in and knocked the sense out of both of us. Hallelujah. But that situation put me face to face with alot of "what ifs" that I had never faced before. What if I had to do this alone? What if I lost the love of the person I love? What if this marriage/life falls away? What if I am nothing? What if.
and it was so clear. I would be ok. What if I lost my husband? What if I lost my children? What if I lost my physical body? What if, what if, what if?
I would be ok. He would made me ok because He promised. He has already made me ok.
This pain and uncertainty. Switching gears, facing deep fears and longings. Losing what we hold so close and dear. It's mind numbing and scary. It's emotional and overwhelming. I never knew before what it felt like to have "pain wash over me". I do now. True mental, physical and emotional anguish. God did that on purpose for me. He sent His son. His only child, His beloved heir. To die so I could share in that legacy.
and when that realization and reminder sink in, this feels so temporary. This sting, will be ended in joy. This pain, will be released. There is an end. and the end is good. It's joyful and good and He promised. The same Savior who chose to give up His most precious posession for me, He promised. and He holds my child in His arms and comforts Him like I would never have been able too. and it is good. So good.
Does that take away the hurt, the pain, the sting? Heck no. I am not nearly done shedding tears or doubling over with emotion. I won't be, God willing, forever. Because that intense love serves as a reminder of what I have been given, the blessing of being a mother and child of God and that this is just temporary. Someday I'll hold my sweet boy and swing him around. and it will be good.
